The Crushing Weight of Lofty Expectations

Maybe if I start a blog post at 9:50 at night, I'll stop eating peanut M&M's....

On Monday, I had been listening to two moms with new babies talk about their stresses - regular homeschooling moms in the thick of raising kids and providing an education for them on top of it. As so many point out, we homeschoolers are an "ambitious" bunch. Well, we are. These moms were no exception, with grand visions of pulling it all off. A few hours of school, one on one time with each child, enriching activities and field trips and extras for everyone depending on their talents and interests, AND healthy food (preferably home grown and canned), AND a clean house, and nursing babies with eco-friendly cloth diapers too. (Okay, they didn't talk about cloth diapers. That's mine for dramatic effect.)

As I listened to the stress they were feeling, I sensed they felt they were failing, and those feelings reflect a host of worries. After all, we often set such lofty expectations for ourselves because we're worried "What if we don't." What if we don't keep up with the pacing of standardized classes? What if we don't teach discipline and structure? While we're worried about that, we may simultaneously worry that our structure is killing the joy and discovery of the learning process. What if one focus might misplace or delay another? And perhaps more than anything, seeing the fabulous potential of a child, what if our actions or lack there of, permanently harm that potential/curiosity/inner drive?

The result of such stress was two maxed out mothers who didn't seem to be having much fun. I wanted to hold the two baby boys for them and tell them to let go, shake all the worries and doubts from their shoulders, figuratively and physically, tell them that they are doing great and important things and that it WILL be hard to do it all AND change diapers, AND NURSE, AND not sleep through the night, but that they don't have to do it all RIGHT NOW.

Such wisdom, right? Well the very next day I was struggling through my own teaching experience, in dance class.

I had a rough class this past week. NOT the fault of my little dancers. They are adorable, good kids, and there is actually great potential in the class too. But that's what got me.

I was thinking about how great they were, how they could do great things if they wanted it and worked hard, and IF they had good help along the way. That would be my part. So I started to stress. Was I helping them enough? Was I helping them so much we lost the fun? Was I emphasizing the right stuff? I feared I was going too slow. I'm pretty sure in the standard classes for dancers their age, the students are learning more steps. I feared I was bogging everyone down in trying to make sure the steps, and all that goes into them is done correctly WITH a correct knowledge of the how and not just dumb luck. I felt torn between teaching more steps and teaching good technique.

Sadly, I think this inner battle was felt by my sweet little dancers. Probably not in any way they could put their fingers on. But our last class was off, and I knew it, and I think they knew it too. I don't remember how the light bulb went on, but I thought of those stressed homeschooling moms and saw them in my ballet teacher self.

I set about taking my own unspoken advice and began to mentally tear down and shake off my crushing expectations. Instead of expecting my students to be as good as or better than their peers, I can expect that I will instruct them to the best of my ability every time we are together and work on exactly what each dancer needs to know to progress. Perhaps most importantly I can detach my ego and identity as a ballet instructor from their dancing. Making the mental shift actually isn't all that difficult. Who cares that what we are working on is different than what might be covered if they were in a standard class? Who cares that they might know fewer steps than their peers? (In fact, the steps DO hardly matter. If you dance well, you can learn steps quickly and prestigious schools and companies will be happy to teach you. If you dance poorly, lots of steps don't make it better.)

Now my challenge will be to remember this shifted focus....

Isn't that a challenge for all of us? How often to our lofty expectations kill relationships? How often are our expectations born from fears of judgement or a desire to feel better about ourselves, our teaching, or our experiences?

Thankfully I had already begun the practice of shedding such burdens. I have learned to expect of my children that we will learn to clean. I don't expect to have a clean home for more than a few minutes at a time. I expect to continue to instruct them many times on good manners and getting along with family members - I don't expect to say, "No fighting with your sister" once and have that be the end of it. And when it comes to school, I expect that I will help my children learn, and more importantly, learn to learn on a regular basis. But I don't expect that each day we will have fabulously planned lessons, or that they will be ahead of their peers at each benchmark.

After shaking off the crushing ballet expectations, I'm excited to get back to my ballet class this week. An expectation that the magic will be back and that we will all have a great time? Yes, I suppose it is. Seems I can't help setting expectations. And I don't think all expectations are wrong or bad. But I'm recommitting to examine which expectations serve me, or help me serve others, and which are just heavy burdens that kill the joy, and rid myself of those. As I tell myself from time to time while wildly waving my arms, injured-ballerina-swan style, "Flap it off, Steff." Join me in the flapping.

Pros and Cons of Intrinsically Motivated Learning

Learning is it's own reward, isn't it? Don't you love to experience learning that way? We roughly follow "Story of the World" for our history, and present our discoveries in Culture Club and Biography Club - giving us a fun way to remember, summarize, and present what we know. AND act it out - the ever-important costumed aspect of homeschooling in our home.

I was talking to my daughter's online school teacher recently about our woeful lack of progress through the free curriculum they provide. You see, however delightful learning is, when it's done for it's own sake, it can and often does get in the way of completing someone else's program or following someone else's time table.

We were lagging in medieval Rome. I just couldn't get the kids jazzed about it. But we went to Epcot and were fascinated by seeing mini Morocco. So in our learning we opted to skip Rome (for now) and we hopped over to catch a bit of Islam, another snatch of Africa, and supplemented with whatever we could get our hands on about Morocco in the library.

Having felt we wrapped our minds around Morocco, we voted to learn more about medieval Africa, and I hope that circles us back to the rest of Islam. And if it doesn't, between now and whenever, I'll be hunting for more reasons to get interested in all of what we may have missed.

We are blessed to be part of a school that is very supportive and understanding. As I explained this to the teacher, and offered no feedback on their incentive programs to facilitate curriculum completion, the teacher remarked, "I think it's wonderful that the kids can be intrinsically motivated."

I agree. And confess I haven't really tried to push any motivation beyond the fun of learning on my kids. I'm sure they would likely be interested in a "progress party" or their own personal pan of "progress pizza." It's hardly like my kids are immune to such bribery.

But I have concluded what you know doesn't mean much without a compelling, personal, "why this is important to me." In other words, I love that by homeschooling, my children's educations are filled with what is relevant, interesting, and important to MY kids. And I don't care much that whatever that is might be different from YOUR kids, or "Utah's kids" (a phrase that makes me cringe) or any other group of kids.

"But Stephanie," you might interject, spelling my name wrong, "don't kids need to learn that life isn't all fun? It's not all about what interests them? That sometimes they might have to just buckle down and do and learn something because that is what is done and known?"

Yes, kids need to learn this. But this is one lesson in a life-time of lessons, many of which WILL teach that very thing. THAT lesson should not underwrite all other learning. But too often it does. We drill that in so diligently in society these days, and never stop to consider first, that the rest of what we are teaching is weakened when we fail to worry about whether or not children care to learn what they are taught. So not only are we teaching that learning is an unpleasant, irrelevant task, but secondly, when we continuously disengage children from their own sparks of interest, we distance them from the self-awareness that brings meaning and joy to life.

I love homeschooling because we DO learn. It may not always be what some expert has deemed the most important learning of all the learning to be done. But the lesson beneath and through all other learning is always aiming to be: learning is a delightful journey you will enjoy in ALL the ups and downs of life. In fact, learning IS life! Today is a great day to follow the sparks!

Questions for the Common Core Debate

Utah Common Core Standards Debate

6:00 - 8:00

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2014

MT LOGAN MIDDLE SCHOOL

875 NORTH 200 EAST

LOGAN, UTAH

The schools.utah.gov website states "The [Common Core] standards are designed to be robust and relevant to the real world, reflecting the knowledge and skills that our young people need for success in college and careers. With American Students fully prepared for the future, our communities will be best positioned to compete successfully in the global economy."

How does something that is simultaneously promoted as "just standards" do so much? Isn't this sort of rhetoric, if Common Core really is "just standards" a little over the top?

The claim that the Common Core standards will somehow create students "ready to compete in the emerging global market" (from utahpublicschools.org) is an idea found throughout the school board's defense of Common Core. ("Locally driven, globally competitive" from schools.utah.gov)

Just what sorts of global jobs do you think a nationally standardized high school graduate will be ready to compete for?

Follow-up question: Clearly, to be competitive in a global marketplace, specialized training and education beyond high school would be required. How does focusing so much energy on making sure our students learn the same info at the same pace for Math and English as the rest of the nation's high school students lead to "global competitiveness?"

Follow-up question: Clearly, the school board is trying to answer concerns about students readiness for college level math, and overall preparation for the global job market. How has Common Core and it's focus on math and English standards demonstrated it will meet these needs better than other alternatives like charter schools and specialized programs within the schools? Would not our efforts and resources be better spent increasing student access to THESE alternatives? Are we really to believe new math standards will result in MORE students enrolled in college level math? Isn't that faulty cause and effect logic?

The Common Core standards were not released until June 2010 (see utahnsforpublicschools.org). How is it possible to get "14 months of public input" between their release and their adoption on August 8, 2010?

follow-up question: How many parents did the school board interact with at that time whose primary concern in education was that our students were NOT learning the same information at the same pace as the students in Wisconsin?

Question for Tami Pyfer: You stated on a radio interview that, as Common Core IS just standards; there was no additional prescription to help kids who were falling behind or struggling. If we aren't helping more kids, or making learning better, isn't it more accurate to describe the standards as a change to education instead of an improvement?

The Gates Foundation spent 3 million to develop Common Core standards (edutooia.org/common-core-state-standards-resources). Bill Gates invested heavily with the benefit in mind he described as "a large uniform base of customers looking at using products that can help every kid learn and every teacher get better." (youtube.com/watch?v=xTK_6VKpf4) If the Common Core succeeds by Mr. Gates measurement, what interest does the state school board have in a "large uniform base of customers"? And why should parents be excited about this intended outcome? (Gates full quote is: "Identifying common stands is just the starting point. We'll only know if this effort has succeeded when the curriculum and tests are aligned to these standards. Secretary Arnie Duncan recently announced $350 million of the stimulus package will be used to create just these kinds of tests.... When the tests are aligned to the common standards, the curriculum will line up as well... For the first time there will be a large uniform base of customers looking at using products that can help every kid learn and every teacher get better.")

What is the direct benefit to students and families of the State School Board's mandatory adoption of Common Core in all public schools throughout the state? Why could we not allow districts to vet the standards according to the local desires of parents?

In answer to the outcry over the Common Core standards, the State School Board has reminded us we have always had state standards. Why was adopting the Common Core preferable to simply upping our own standards, perhaps even beyond standards set by the core?

follow-up question: If our standards were so woefully below the rest of the nation, and are now targeted to be on par, by what mechanism, measurement, or target date will we determine that we would like to exceed the standards to allow our students "to compete in the global market place"? Or is the plan to remain in-step with the rest of the states going forward? And if that is the plan, how will this increase our competitiveness?

Question for Tami Pyfer: You have said that despite public resistance, you are unwilling to stop short of full implementation of Common Core and to do so would be irresponsible. (KVNU FTP Broadcast in July 2013) When WILL you assess the success or failure of the adoption of the standards? How will you decipher a failure of the standards from a failure of the teachers, schools, or students?

The current cost of a public k12 education in Utah is around $85,000 per student. How will Utah's adoption of national standards affect that figure?
follow-up question: Doesn't that seem a little pricey for an education only promising to meet "minimum standards?"

The state's p20W data system encompasses pre-kindergarten through higher education and workforce training. From schools.utah.gov/data, it reads "Utah has a robust state student logitudinal data system collecting on a wide range of student data." What is included in the "wide range of data"? Where can a parent find an exhaustive list of what is included? The state has had issues in the past with data security. What assurances are provided to parents that their data will not be stolen, inappropriately shared or misused?

GREAT TED Talk on Education by Sir Ken Robinson

And I thought my comparison of education and fast food was original! Ah well. I DO go into it more. Read my metaphor here. :)

"The Process IS More Important"

That is the thought I ended my last post on: "Perhaps the process, in the end,  is more important than the speed anyway." Since last writing, I've contemplated that a bit and concluded I was right. (Surprise, surprise.)

What do we learn about learning as we learn? If we learn that we are capable learners, if we learn learning is exciting, if we learn knowledge can enrich our lives and figuratively color our world, wouldn't we keep at it, no matter the institution, or lack thereof, we participate in over a lifetime?

How many adults do you know who view learning this way? I was in a church class of all adults some time back that was discussing some of the greatest blessings in life. "Learning!" I enthusiastically offered. The facilitator of the class gave me a suspicious glance as if I was interjecting sarcasm into the discussion. (I've been known to do that too.) His reception to my suggestion struck me hard. It has stuck with me for more than a year.

This morning as I contemplated the process, I realized many adults view learning as something to dread. For them, it is a process to be engaged in only when it is forced upon them by necessity. And if they can skirt around it, they will, and do. Otherwise they go into learning with a head, heart, and mouth full of complaints. Shall I make a stab at where they "learned" this attitude?

Not all children feel this way about school. But sometimes liking it isn't much better. A friend of mine who has since moved away, was visiting with me about how much her oldest daughter liked school. "What does she like about it?" I asked. My friend didn't have an answer. I got the feeling she hadn't been asked that question before - as if when she had told other parents about this daughter, the liking was enough all in itself for everyone. So after a little prodding, my friend said, "I think she just likes getting good grades." She couldn't name a subject her daughter preferred or an aspect of school that seemed engaging to her.

As near as I could tell, for this girl, school was like a video game she had mastered. She excelled at wracking up points. Of course, the best part of mastering school in this way is that you might get to hear your parents telling other parents how good you are at playing the game. It is unlikely any parent would tell another what a wiz her child was at Street Fighter or Angry Birds.

So my question is, how can we change this? In a world of tests and grades and points, how do we separate ourselves from the view that winning the game is the score at the end?

I've heard Einstein kept a sign in his office that read, "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." Perhaps this great mind needed the reminder to value the process. Or he might have been teaching us to value it.

Wrapping up, here is another quote from a great mind and teacher: "You must unlearn what you have learned." That's Yoda. I love homeschooling because I get to unlearn all the time. Sometimes I'm unlearning that math is boring. Other times I'm unlearning that tests demonstrate how much one knows about a subject. Always, I seem to be unlearning what counts, and to pause in life and count what does. And I love that my kids and I are on this adventure together.

The Power of Self-Indulgence

I suppose this post is Part III of my "Trust Yourself" musings. (Go here for Part I, and here for Part II.)

We hear today from all sides that the world is a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad place. I can understand why it can be viewed as such. I don't believe it IS so awful, but if I am delusional, I still don't believe I am terrible, horrible, very bad, or even no good. Yet I'm surprised to discover how many people seem to carry about this image of themselves that they are defined by their weaknesses.

"I'm no good at math," "I have a sweet tooth," (which usually means, "I can't control sweet cravings"), "I'm not organized" or "I'm messy," "I can't follow a schedule."

And the answer to all of these problems is self-control or self-denial. Well, I don't buy it.

Growing up, my dad taught us to say about food we didn't like, "I haven't learned to like that yet." I think I said that so many times, I almost couldn't type just now of not liking food - just of not learning to like a certain food yet. (For the record, I'm STILL working on peas, mushrooms, and olives. And yes, dad, I try them about once a year to see if I've "learned" yet.)

In that phrase, "I haven't learned to XYZ yet," is the idea that at some time in the future, I will have mastered whatever I need to master. THAT is what I believe. I am not a person riddled with weakness and folly. I am a person with some learning to do. And what's more, I DO learn. I AM learning!

Interestingly, the process is sped along most often not by crazy stick-to-it-drive, but by indulging myself. My higher self. The self that IS doing the learning. The self that is not identified by weakness.

I access that self by turning off the knee-jerk, "I don't like peas!" protest and tuning in to my heart. Well, actually, my heart has nothing to say whatsoever concerning peas. But it has a lot to say about parenting, for example. The knee jerk is to fix all problems with a dose of anger. But why indulge a baser me? I can indulge love. I can indulge silence while I figure things out. I can embrace being confused by my children. I can allow myself to be overwhelmed by the responsibility to bring them up wisely and train them in the ways they should go. These feelings are more true to myself than anger. Why not indulge myself to feel them. And once felt, once I'm in sync with what is really going on in my heart, gone is my angry reaction, because it was never really mine to begin with - just an old habit I kept putting on.

Yes, I'm calling for a move to unleash the amazing people within us by ceasing to bind ourselves up with weaknesses. We are so busy saying no to ourselves that we have forgotten the joy of saying YES! to who we really are. It's time we trust ourselves, our TRUE selves, and discover the power of indulging THAT self.

And, of course, teaching this skill is another powerful reason to homeschool. Reflect for a moment on your school experience. How much was defined by "no's"? "We don't cover that 'til 5th grade." "Science time is over." "You'll have to wait 'til recess." "Chat with your friends after class." How often were we encouraged to BE? To let lose and be amazing?

I'm not saying every impulse of our children, or ourselves, should be followed. In fact, the older and more schooled we are (by schools and life), the more tuned in we seem to our base impulses. But we can teach our kids to tune those out. Now, better than ever. Now when they are more attuned to their true selves. Now before their lives are constructed with limits and arbitrary boundaries.

It can begin as simply as asking them (and ourselves) to "pause for a moment. Take a deep breath. Listen to your heart. Now, is that what you really want/need?" The honesty and intuition of your children will surprise you. And teach you.

Mine did. I learned this when my husband wanted to ban candy from our home. It didn't feel very balanced to me. (There I go again, annoying him with my gut checks.) I told him I'd rather give our children the skills to self-regulate. So we kept candy. I understood 2 things about candy. One was it's sugar content can cause blood sugar roller coasters and the other was, in sight, in mind. So we established the guide-line that we nourish our bodies first. We feed our higher appetites first. Then the kids can ask for a piece. (Sometime they do. Not always.) They get candy themselves from a bag in the cupboard. If they ask for another piece, after the first is finished, I have them take a moment to "listen to their bodies." If they say they need another piece, they get it. Sometimes they do. Sometimes they pass. Most often, after tuning in to their bodies, they don't ask for a third piece. In fact, I've never had to stop my children from OD'ing on candy. And my older kids have set very natural easy boundaries for themselves in social settings where I wasn't there to be "the enforcer."

I think this lesson applies to learning, to time management, to developing life-skills. What is it that we really want? What would our true selves, our learning selves have us do? Then, by all means, LET'S DO IT! And after you have done it, please hop on my blog and share with me what happened. I can't wait to hear your experiences with the power of self-indulgence!

Hubby's Reason to Homeschool: An Expanded Definition of Education

I am part of a yahoo group which networks homeschooling families where I live. (Amazing resource!) Anyway, one mom posted a quote from the book,  Proof of Heaven, A Neurosurgeon's
Journey into the Afterlife, by Eben Alexander, M.D. "The ascendance of the scientific method based solely in the physical realm over the past four hundred years presents a major problem: we have lost touch with.our consciousness. it was lost to our secular Western culture as we became increasingly enamored with the power of modern science and technology. For all the successes of Western civilization, the world has paid a dear price in terms of the most crucial component of existence- our human spirit."

She added,  "I do think our traditional educational society does not value what cannot be seen or proven. We have been taught that there are certain "experts" who know best how to teach and assess our children. Not only do many, many people believe that, but they think that they can tell if learning is happening based on the same judgment scale. It is so flat and one-dimensional."

My response is here:

That is one of my husband's favorite things about homeschooling - that we can educate our kids about their souls, their inner workings, about valuing their feelings and intuition. In essence, he loves that in OUR definition of being well educated, we CAN (and do) include mastery of the unscientific or difficult to measure. 

We hope our kids turn out to be smart in traditional ways too, but we know well plenty of people who are who have made a mess of their lives, and even injured their capacity to be productive members of society because, while being amazing at "school," they were sorely lacking other skills. Some are completely disconnected from a sense of right and wrong. Others can't make a decision without enough "facts" when there simply weren't enough "facts" available, so they failed to act because they couldn't feel which course of action would bring the most happiness. Many have ruined their own happiness by obsessing over the past because they lacked the skill of letting go and living in the present.

There aren't curricula, generally, for this type of learning. It is difficult to measure and nearly impossible to conjure up a contrived test for these skills. But life DOES administer very real tests. As a parent, I want to observe when my kids "pass" those, and show as much (more?) excitement about those accomplishments as I might a high score on a science test. I'm sure there are parents who send their kids to public school who do this. But we love that in our home, these accomplishments can be recognized in the same context as academic accomplishments, and therefore, FEEL equally weighty to our children.