Meet the Experts
Media: In news reports on cable TV, the internet, and network television, reporters, such as myself often refer to a group of faceless, nameless commentators as “the experts.” Just who are these experts? And why do we place so much trust in them? We decided to go in depth and find out.
In this segment we’re calling “Meet the Experts,” we’re going to come face to face with this honored group and find out why they have become so invaluable to society, AND our news broadcasts.
(to expert) Good afternoon.
Expert: Actually, it’s 11:58 so I’m going to respond, good morning.
Media: (sincerely) Thank you, thank you. An invaluable correction. Good morning...
Expert: (interrupting) For another 1.3 minutes.
Media: We’re here today to meet that group we most commonly refer to as “The Experts.” We aren’t accustomed to seeing faces or knowing names. I’m shocked, actually, it’s such a small group. But pleased to know you better all the same. And how shall I address you?
Expert: Expert works fine for me.
Media: Expert?
Expert: Well, we aren’t especially comfortable having our faces seen, OR our names known. But it was decided that in the face of a rising distrust in The Experts, it was a good PR move.
Media: It doesn’t appear there is much diversity among you, Expert. You are a small group of bearded white men.
Expert: I know it APPEARS that way, but Sherman, back there, is Hispanic. And Albert is actually a woman.
Media: Oh, I stand corrected. You are quite diverse, then!
Expert: We are. Our diversity is something we uniformly pride ourselves in.
Media: There is certainly great diversity on the subjects which the media quotes the experts on. How do you cover so many topics with such... expertise?
Expert: As a group, we have a broad range of specialties. For example Albert knows how to make THE best pb and j. While Larry can name 27 species of chipmunk.
Media: Impressive! And which one is Albert?
Expert: As I mentioned, we aren’t comfortable being identified as individuals. The Experts asked that I act as the spokesperson for the group.
Media: My apologies, Expert. Continuing on, I’d like to ask a question many Americans have asked from time to time, though ironically, perhaps this is the first time the Media has dared ask it aloud. That is: How many times can an expert be wrong before he’s not considered an expert anymore?
Expert: Actually, it doesn’t work that way. We meet bi-semi-annually at a conference of experts, ExCon, and at that time, vote someone out of the herd. (Glancing back) Lou! What are you doing here? We voted you out last year!
(Lou walks off, dejected)
Media: Why was Lou voted out?
Expert: His beard was not nearly thick enough.
Media: And so now he is out of the “herd”?
Expert: It’s a term of affection we use to describe ourselves because we like to move as a group, like a well-oiled drill team. In fact, we have some formations we’d like to share, may we?
Media: Sure.
(Expert Spokesman blows a complicated series of puffs on a whistle. Experts shuffle around and form a straight line. He blows a different series of sounds, the experts shuffle and form another straight line. And again, during the last, Lou shuffles in from off screen finding a place.)
Expert: (Proud expression) What do you think? (glances back) LOU! Get out of here!
Media: (a bit puzzled) They were 3 straight lines.
Expert: Ah yes. Figure 1 was The Experts lined up according to height. Figure 2 was The Experts lined up according to age. And Figure 3 was The Experts lined up according to birthdays in the fiscal year. Except Lou ruined it, because his birthday is in January.
Media: I noticed Lou’s beard was a bit thicker than the expert... you know it’s really difficult to describe an individual amongst a group that looks so similar.... That expert there has nearly no beard at all.
Expert: Yes, but he is our mascot.
Media: Mascot?
Expert: Well, he’s not in his mascot suit now, but would you like to see it?
Media: May we?
Expert: (calling mascot forward) We call him Muscles. (Muscles takes off sport coat and flexes.)
Media: It’s difficult to see Muscles' muscles beneath his shirt.
Expert: It’s not really about seeing as much as believing. At our last ExCon we did a series of complicated calculations and Muscles had the largest muscles of us all. I won’t go into how we arrived at that, but we all agree Muscles here is the most qualified to be Muscles.
Media: (in lighter, joking tone) They must cover how to dress at ExCon too.
Expert: We all attend a workshop there: Experts Dress for Success.
Media: You mentioned moving as a group, and certainly when the media quotes the experts it’s not like citing a supreme court ruling, 3-1 or 2-6. How do you find consensus considering your great diversity?
Expert: Oh, we don’t. Like this interview, we let one be the spokesperson with whom we all agree.
Media: And how is that spokesperson chosen?
Expert: It’s whomever covers that particular field of expertise. Since we kicked Lou out, we need to do some reshuffling.
Media: Reshuffling?
Expert: We draw our fields out of a hat. Sherman covers Celebrity Match-ups and Israel. Albert is Internet Laws and (pause) Domestic Tranquility, I believe. Larry is on Consumer Goods and the Constitution. Lou had been Animal Rights and International Relations, but those will have to be reassigned, obviously.
Media: And how about you, Expert?
(Another Expert comes up, taps Expert on the back, and he leaves and is replaced by the new expert.)
Media: (confused) Uh...
Larry: I tapped him out. Were you asking a question?
Media: Yes.
Larry: Oh. Then, officially I believe it’s 44.
Media: Thank you, uh...
Larry: Larry.
Media: (surprised to get a name) Larry. But I’m not sure you heard the question.
Larry: I stand by my figures, and I think in time, you’ll see that I’m right.
Media: Well, we’re about to wrap up, here. Expert and I were just discussing his field of expertise.
Larry: Albert? He covers the Economy.
Media: I believe he said Albert covers Internet Laws and Domestic Tranquility.
Larry: Oh, Albert the woman does. Albert the man is on Economy.
Media: And there was one expert whose field we hadn’t yet named.
Larry: Beg your pardon?
Media: Well, we have Sherman, Albert the woman, Albert the man, and Larry. Lou was voted out of the herd. That leaves one extra expert back there.
Larry: Muscles. He’s just the mascot. Just a body, really. No brain to speak of.
Media: Yet he is included in this exclusive group, “The Experts?”
Larry: Well, we believe in being incredibly inclusive, and diverse.
Media: Larry, thank you so much for speaking with us today! Please thank your colleague whom you tapped out.
Larry: Albert the man.
Media: Yes, Albert the man. The Experts seem to be a model for us all of inclusivity, diversity, consensus building, and polite decorum. You truly inspire the trust of the American People!
Larry: Thank YOU.
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