Woman's Work

"Men just don't understand." It's the sentiment echoed by so many women of their labors as mother and keeper of the home. I'm sure I've said it a dozen times myself when recounting to my gal pals conversations I've had with my husband where he assumes I have oodles of free time, or he speaks of me getting a paying job, or I've expressed exhaustion at the busyness that is my life.

But if I'm being completely honest, I realized recently I don't understand. What do I do all day? Why do I feel like I'm always busy? Busy with what? And why is there so little to show for it? No paycheck, certainly, but no visible, measurable proof that I labored at all? And if there is none of that, why do I like what I do and NOT want to trade jobs with women in "the work place"?

So I decided it was high time I do the math. My math. Not trying to represent by my figures the labors of any other mother. And as I both qualified and quantified one woman's work (namely myself), I made some important discoveries that I feel are worth noting. So here is the breakdown by task, how I defined the task, and in parenthesis the time I spent on the task.

Cooking (1 hr 20 min/day) is all the food prep, and also includes menu planning, grocery putting-away, list making, fielding questions about what is for dinner, and putting up with all the complaining when your people don't like the answer. It includes re-working a life-style when someone says they don't think we should eat cereal. Or bread. (Good-bye easy breakfasts and lunches.) Yes, I make breakfast, lunch, and dinner - not every day, but on any given day I AM preparing two out of 3 meals. (And we could count the number of times we eat cereal and have sandwiches in a month on one hand.) The kicker is I don't especially like to cook. But I do love my health-nut husband. I love that we are intentional about what we eat. And I love growing the bodies of my children with nutritious food. So I do what it takes.

Cleaning (1.5 hrs/day). I have myself down for 1.5 hours, which seemed high until I observed my house last time I was incapacitated. A TOTAL disaster. Because no one was carrying things upstairs to put away when they went up, carrying things down when they went down, returning shoes and jackets to their spots so there isn't a panic when they are needed, trashing all the papers everyone came home from church with, gathering all the dishes from the upstairs when her water glass needed refilled, putting the throw cushions back on the couch instead of letting people trip over them, etc. etc. etc. I might only spend 5 minutes straightening an area at a time. But I do that about 5 times a day. AND I spend about 3 hours in deeper clean/week. Do I have kids? YES! And trust me, they help. If they didn't, I might be able to get it done in LESS time. But the goal isn't just an orderly home, but well-trained kids, right?

Laundry (15 min/day) is washing, sorting, folding, putting away, rotating, matching, spotting, mending, and mentally noting what is needed by whom.

Shopping (25 min/day) is never ACTUALLY done in 25 minutes. I average about 1.5 trips to the grocery store/week, if I've made good lists. But clothes shopping usually takes longer, especially if I'm trying not to spend a fortune. And there are all sorts of things I buy or search for online - small appliances, curriculum, supplements, gifts - that take a bit of research, and that is all time spent shopping.

Academic Support (1.5 hr/day) in my home is the time I spend teaching my kids - reading to them, hearing them read, correcting their errors, practicing Chinese, etc.. My guess is that if you DON'T homeschool, you may think this figure surprisingly small, because it is probably what you are spending on homework, parent/teacher conferences, mentoring your child through a big project, etc, when you DO send your kids to school. We just get more say over what we learn, and less institutional expectation, by learning at home.

Talent/Interest/Opportunity Support (30 min/day) is the time I spend taking kids to and from lessons, but also finding out about, registering for, communicating with providers about, researching activities and fitting them into our lives. It's time at dance recitals, concerts, and swim meets. It's time spent to ensure my kids are well-rounded, whole, thriving.

Making time for a Corn Maze... because it's TRADITION!

Calendar and Schedule Management (15 min/day) is the text reminders to kids about schedules, the morning run-downs of the plan for the day - all the communication that ensures everyone is where they need to be when they need to be there.

Finances (10 min/day). Honestly, this is the one that is more of a goal. This is keeping up with what lessons need to be paid for, tracking expenses, transferring money when my kids earn it, communicating with my husband about what was spent and why. Currently, I'm probably at 2-3 minutes/day. And consequently, we are probably not making the most informed financial decisions. I need to do better here.

From a distance, it looks pretty good!

Yard and Repair Maintenance (15 min/day) has a goal of 1 hour/day. That is WITH the kids help. And much to their relief, it only happens on average about 2.5 times per week. This number does NOT include their labor, nor does it include the time hubby spends mowing the lawn. But it ALSO includes babysitting the dryer repair guy for 1.5 hours, listening to the exterminator give us his pitch, meeting the tree doctor to make sure this time the trees are properly supported, and calling about the water filter acting funky. These sorts of things don't even arise on a monthly basis, but when they do arise, each one represents a few hours of need.

Squeezing in a family dinner while my oldest
is in town.

Life Enrichment (15 min/day) is making all the warm-fuzzy memories of childhood happen. It's planning and pulling off birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, Halloween. Even play-dates. It's making sure life is to be enjoyed and not just endured.

Community Connection, (30 min/day) for us, is largely church. But is also service at This Is the Place, or attending the Community Meal, or taking treats to the neighbors, or picking up trash at the park. It is the time I make sure we spend to strengthen our place in the community, and make sure we are relating to it.

Emotional and Spiritual Counseling (30 min/day) is family prayer, it's breaking up fights, it's a long phone call with my son across the country to hear all the nitty-gritty about his day. It is studying the scriptures, and meditating, and listening. And breaking up more fights. (Lest you be impressed, if my kids would just stop fighting with each other, it would save me a good 10-15 minutes per day!)

And Nursing (10 min/day) is taking care of the physical bodies of my family - hair cuts, rubbing feet, rubbing backs, making sure the little guy DID shower AND got all the dirt off, clipping toenails, and telling my girl to go back and clean behind her ears.

As it turns out, I DO have a full time job, as I always suspected. MY total was 7 hrs and 30 minutes/day. Obviously, I don't do ALL these things every day. So I took the total time spent per week (or per month) and then divided that number by 5. Yes, I know there are 7 days in a week, but most jobs (at least the ones we aspire to) are 40 hrs/Mon-Fri jobs. While being a mom IS around-the-clock work, no one can truly work all the time and maintain health and sanity for long. If we only expect everyone else to put in a good 40 hours, perhaps we should understand being on call ALL THE TIME does not mean a mom needs to be active and productive in that role ALL THE TIME.

This list, while one may be tempted to shrug it off as "just living life," only represents the tasks related to ensuring OTHERS live life, and live it more abundantly. It doesn't include time for eating or sleeping. Nor does it include time for SELF care - time used to have lunch with girl friends, or take a relaxing bath, or read a good book just because the mom finds it interesting. Sure, I get to eat the food I fix for my kids, as one example, but if I was cooking just for me, it would take a LOT LESS time and effort (as evidenced by my "Bran Flakes" cereal diet in high school). And if someone was going to cook FOR me, that labor would be THEIR job, for which he or she would be compensated. Same for party planning, or tutoring, etc. It is part of life. But it IS work.

And we might be tempted to dicker or bicker about what time is "worth it." For example, do I really need to spend 1.5 hours every day CLEANING? What a waste, right? As those throw pillows are just going to land on the floor AGAIN. We usually agree that at some point, the toilet needs to be cleaned, but do the insides of the cupboards need a wipe down on a semi-annual basis? Well, if you are asking me about YOUR house, I would say that's up to YOU. The times listed above are what those tasks take me to reach BOTH acceptability and satisfaction.

Which brings me to my next point. Acceptability and Satisfaction. Those are two important words. Here is a picture to illustrate:

I took this picture after arriving home one day, and my husband proudly announcing he and the kids had "cleaned the kitchen." This IS the AFTER picture. AFTER their cleaning.

Now, to be fair, I'm sure if there was a before shot, it probably consisted of more dirty dishes - probably a sink full to overflowing. Maybe more trash on the island. Maybe the trash which is not pictured got emptied. You can't see it from here, but the sink is full of larger, rinsed items, probably waiting for the dishwasher when it's current load, which they started, is done. So the kitchen is more clean. It may have been moved from unacceptable levels to more acceptable or tolerable ones. There was likely unfinished food on the island that was thrown away. And now, at least, the dirty dishes are rinsed, instead of hardening with old food.

If acceptable was the ONLY standard at play, this may meet it on some level. No rotting food. Yay. But this is not satisfactory, at least to ME. Not at all. So while the kitchen may be less gross, the efforts of my husband and children did not equal a job that needs no further attention. To experience the satisfaction of a job well done, clearly more work is needed. Because a clean kitchen looks more like this:

Well, probably not EXACTLY like this. The bar stools wouldn't be perfectly lined up. There would still be papers stuck to the fridge. But you get the idea...

Now, it's no use pretending that they are the same. AND there is no use pretending that we should all be OK with jobs that are merely acceptable. Sure, people often have to settle for acceptable to preserve sanity. But when we do, there is no true peace that comes from having a task completed to satisfaction. Things will feel "undone" - whether it's a kitchen that needs more work, or a crying child that needs more attention, or that nagging feeling that we need to be doing something more for someone we love. Leave enough things undone, or unsatisfactory, and guilt and unhappiness begin to build. And THAT tears through peace, focus, and contentment.

But what if you ARE satisfied with an acceptable kitchen? OR you have an insanely high standard for satisfaction when it comes to throwing an amazing birthday party for each child, EVERY YEAR? There is nothing wrong with that! No matter how we divvy it up, we all have the same amount of time, and each care-giver spends hers according to the needs of her children and her own values. (I, for example, do NOT value Birthday parties AT ALL. Much to the disappointment of my children. They'll get over it!)

However, while we all have the same amount of time, we are NOT wired to be in production mode for the same amount of time. To expect the output of all women to be equal would be like expecting the income of all professions to be equal. We marry school teachers and attorneys. The spouse of a school teacher isn't frustrated when the teaching salary isn't an attorney's income. Some women are wired to be power-house CEO's and when they unleash that energy in their own home and with their families, they wow us with multi-faceted accomplishment. If you are not the Steve Jobs of your home, neither are most of the rest of us. There isn't a wrong way to do any of this work. Just wrong-headed expectations that your approach and my approach will look the same. Every parent is different - different strengths, needs, and energies, parenting different children with their varying strengths, needs, and energies.

I should add too that this post has been awfully unfair to care- and support-giving dads. In many households much of this work is accomplished by both parents or more exclusively by a father. When both parents work (or even if one or both parents don't), kids may take on the responsibilities I've outlined below. My guess is that there is a restructuring that occurs - that the tasks are still being done by someone, taking more or less time, and that the time saved or not spent is used in some other way that serves the family. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think my point is that caring for a family TAKES TIME. However it is accomplished, whomever it is accomplished by, it is a task. A whole host of tasks. Big tasks.

We (my hubby and I) sometimes speak of a restructuring - of him doing more, of expecting more from the kids, and of me doing less in favor of doing something DIFFERENT (that makes heaps of money, ideally). And I'm not opposed to any of those ideas. But the truth is: I love my job. I love THIS job. I do it because I think it is important, and anything important is worth doing yourself. 

I can, and have, and do occasionally outsource all sorts of this work. I want my kids to grow by participating meaningfully in caring for our home and our family members. I like the perspective my hubby brings into emotionally supporting our kids. I don't want or intend to hog all of this to myself. (And frankly I need the additional support more often than not.) But back to satisfaction, caring for my family in these ways is deeply satisfying to MY soul. I feel in tune or in sync with my kids, with their needs, and I can adjust (mostly) seamlessly to do more or less of what is needed at the moment the need arises.

And the work DOES change. Nursing moms may have less time for academic support. Empty-nesting moms may have fewer kid-created messes to clean. That IS the beauty of this job too, and what makes it so hard to define. Not only is it different person to person and day to day, it also varies year to year, season to season. But it is ALWAYS holding the world together, making the world go round, BEING the world to someone you love dearly and needs you to do "it all," whatever that "all" happens to be. I'm so blessed this is MY work! I love it and never want to retire! Here's to 40 more years!

A Day at Public School: Our Report

A local charter school had a "Bring a Friend to School" day. My oldest daughter was invited and I thought it would be a great opportunity to find out, at 13 years old, what public school was all about. I then managed to find a buddy for my 7 year old who had been begging to go to school. I figured this was a much easier try-out than getting him registered just so he could go and change his mind. And then I realized my middle daughter, 10 years old, would feel left out, so I found a buddy for her too. Here is our report.

Everyone had fun. And especially grandparents wanted to know what the kids thought. My 13yo said she thought it seemed kids in school were learning answers compared to her library homeschool class which she said seemed to be more focused on learning how to THINK.

My VERY social 10yo said she liked "grammar" best because it was easiest. I'm not sure what that means because I don't teach "grammar." Felt behind in math (all the kids did) and how much she needed to write, and write quickly. Said lunch was way too fast. Was bugged by having to stand up when the teacher rang a bell, only to have to sit back down when she rang the bell again. Would only consider going back if she could go once a week. Dream on, dear!

My little guy DOES want to go back. He did have an easier go of it as they only allowed kids his age to stay for one hour. During which time we did 30 minutes of gym and 15 minutes of recess. I asked to stay an extra 15 minutes just so he could be there for something academic - he got to sit while the other kids took a math test. So I was surprised at his interest, but loved his reason he wants to return. When I pressed him he just said, "If I could catch up to what the other kids know, I think going to school would be an interesting challenge." It's the best reason I've ever heard.

I was NOT interested, and left NOT interested in having my kids in an institution. First, I will clarify that this school seemed well run, supportive of kids, and had a positive atmosphere. Furthermore, there are necessities in mass management I understand. I just don't want my kids to be mass managed. I witnessed a kid getting in trouble for going the bathroom probably 5 times while I was with my little guy in class. Clearly, he either has a bladder issue or is disengaged - neither problem being addressed by the aid threatening to not let him go next time. Didn't like that after 30 minutes of gym time, the kids had to the count of "3 banana split" to get a drink. What if they were more thirsty than that? So they lined up for drinks, to go inside, to go outside, to leave the bathroom, to go to gym, to leave gym. My 10yo said, "they spent a lot of time getting into lines." In fact, in the 30 min of the academic time I observed, the same academic learning and instruction could have taken about 5 min at home.

Oh! And gym time was following the teachers instructions: "Now jump rope! Now do slides! Now hop on one foot! Now do push ups! Now skip!" It was varied, but meaningless cardio. Not even instruction on HOW to do push-ups, or skip, etc to build a skill set, let alone allow the kids to play or come up with their own physical challenges. I was just there for one day, granted. But considering it seemed that all the other kids knew the drill, I don't think this day was out of the ordinary. I had to smile every time the kids were stopped by a whistle from doing one movement and moved on to the next at the confusion of my little guy whom I could tell didn't feel he'd had his fill of skipping yet, and then not enough jumping rope, and then not enough walking backwards, etc.

Finally, most interesting to me was math. This school prides itself on being one grade level ahead in math. But when it was time for the math test, the teacher went through the test on an overhead projector, question by question explaining the test. Which may seem like a wise thing, but when you are telling the kids what equation to execute to solve the story problem it really smacked of teaching to the test and seemed to echo my 13yo's observation that it was all about answers and less about thinking. I guess that is what parents expect: "Help the kids do well on tests." It may seem like a worthy goal, except it isn't very often in life that someone hands you a page of meaningless numbers and asks you to do sums.

So I think we are going back, at least me and my little guy, for another bring a friend day. Because I like that he likes interesting challenges. And now I'm curious how long he would find school to be an interesting challenge!

Shifting Perspectives on Weakness

The handsome young lad on the left is my oldest child. This blog is incredibly outdated, so let me update readers, briefly. This boy moved away from home when he was 13. He wasn't FAR away - only about an hour and a half drive - but he left to pursue more intense ballet study with Ballet West. In the 3 years he studied there, he lived with host families, completed his school work on his own, made his own breakfast and lunches, and took public transportation to and from his dance classes which lasted from 1:30pm until about 7pm Monday-Friday.

This was SO MUCH to manage at the tender age of 13 and I worried and prayed for him constantly. He survived. In many ways, he thrived. He certainly grew as a dancer! This picture is of the cover photo of his end of the year performance, when, at not yet 16 years old, he danced the male lead of Sleeping Beauty.

As his parents, we have observed this son's dedication to ballet. It is thrilling to us, because everything indicates that this will be a very viable career option for him. And this is a career he can (and essentially needs to) begin sooner than later. Dancers don't perform generally into their late 40's and beyond, so in some respects, it is 'now or never.' That being so, however, we are aware of the need to have other skills and a rounded education to support oneself and a family BEYOND a performance career.

So we have "pushed" school. Not demanding he get good grades - we still mostly "homeschooled" all the rest of his "high school." And high school is in parentheses because at some point, he went beyond where we could effectively challenge him academically at such a distance, and this point seemed like a natural "graduation" mark. So he did "graduate" and moved on to college. Or more accurately, taking ONE college class. Online. (I'll post about THAT later.)

But we noted he was not nearly as driven or disciplined academically. And some of that, we realized, was his age, and some was our failure to provide the hand-holding that is present for students his age still in high school. But more and more, we felt like his weaknesses included over-confidence and a disregard for thorough preparation. My husband and I, both type A's, tried to convince this son that he would be wise to develop some of that type A, uber-driven approach to the rest of his life. And then, to imprint the value of what we were saying, I told him about all the type A dancers that filled professional ballet companies. (If you haven't read elsewhere, I was a professional dancer myself.)

Anyway, I was sharing this ongoing struggle with a dancer friend of mine and she had another perspective. She said that she thought it may be his laid-back, low stress attitude that will prove his longevity in a dance career. She reminded me of all the type-A's that stress out, whose overly critical view of themselves leads to burn-out or worse: unintentional self-sabotage. And I could remember that happening too. With her wisdom and encouragement, we sent this now-16 year old off into an even BIGGER world: Boston.

He is now living across the country, training with the Boston Ballet. Still loving ballet. Still making his own breakfasts and lunches, doing his own laundry, maneuvering through the city on public transportation, and living with a host family. And still showing a lack of discipline and focus when it comes to school.

But here is what happened.

My 16 year old boy was asked, with his class of 12 other men, to understudy company roles in the ballet Giselle. Not because the company intended to USE him. They had understudies already, assigned for different casts. But it is part of a trainees training to begin to work with the paid pros, and so my boy was there. His peers told him he would never BE used - that if anyone was injured, they would use first the full company members from other casts, and next, the members of the second company (like a farm team), and THEN someone from his class, and that extreme need was inconceivable. Beyond that, they were not even assigned which spot TO learn, so that means you learn every spot, which REALLY means you don't learn any spot. So he is in rehearsals with all the other older boys from his class, plus all the even older dancers from the second company, AND all the company dancers, and the artistic staff, guests to set the ballet, etc.. Learning fast steps and complicated traffic patterns.

And low and behold, there was a rehearsal with a company man missing. So they asked for other company men to fill it, but they were in different rehearsals, and because they were gone, the second company men were already dancing too. They nearly left the spot empty, when someone pointed out the trainee men were there. So they asked all of them, "Who knows this?"

And that is when my over-confident and under-prepared son gave it a beat (likely because he KNEW he didn't know ALL of it, and also in-part because of a migraine he was suffering, impacting his peripheral vision) before he raised his hand. He, the youngest person in the room FULL of around 50 adult professionals. And he stepped in, learned on the spot, did his best, and "faked it 'til he made it." My boy, at 16 years old, was rehearsed for an hour with one of the top 5 ballet companies in the country. Because he had NOT learned it is safer not to try when you are unsure. Because he had NOT learned you have no right to be confident unless your preparation is perfection.

I am beginning to learn the wisdom of my friend's perspective. I am beginning to see that those things that I may regard as weakness, my child may use as a strength to fuel a bright future. It was the message of so many older posts: trust the process. I suppose I need to never let go of that trust.

Reason 43: Find the Strength to be Home-Centered, Church Supported

This is a buzz phrase right now among members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It reflects a current spiritual emphasis on individuals developing their own relationship to Jesus Christ, receiving guidance in their own lives FOR their own lives.

The phrase was introduced to the membership at large at an interesting time for me. I had just decided, after some exploration and research, to homeschool the part of my 15 year-old's education that most other homeschooling members of my faith DO relinquish to outside authority: seminary. (Seminary is a class offered to youth of high school age to familiarize them with the books of scripture and doctrines of the gospel and the Church of Jesus Christ.)

I had a host of reasons for this decision which I won't get into here, beyond to simply state that I felt I could be the one to best accomplish my objectives for my son: that he develop his own relationship with God, that he find relevance to his life in the scriptures, and that he begin to prepare for the responsibility all believers have to "give an answer for his faith."

Interestingly, I announced this to my extended family and was surprised at the level of push-back I received. It reminded me of the passionate push-back flung my way when I announced 10 or 11 years ago that we would be homeschooling the kids' academics. I won't go into the expressed counter-arguments either. I would just add that the push-back shocked and discouraged me. I didn't feel discouraged nor uncertain about my decision, but I felt incredibly discouraged that there seemed to be such dismay at my choice to manage our own way through a non-essential (being that it doesn't pertain to salvation) program of the church.

And then a few months later I was IN the Conference Center when this shift in emphasis was announced. Observing that feelings about my choice to homeschool seminary may be a little raw, I didn't say anything about the announcement. In fact, I doubted that anyone else had made the connection that was evident to me: that we ARE IN FACT responsible for our own progress in the gospel and that this progress CANNOT be outsourced effectively to anyone or any program. Finally one brother pressed me to share my perspective on the announcement, which I was actively trying NOT to interject. I chose to say simply, "I felt validated."

In subsequent church meetings this has continued to be an emphasis - that the home is the primary source of instruction and church programs and classes are secondary to it. And of course, I love this change! But NOT because of the validation of my spiritual choice, but actually because it validates how we do academics around here!

So many people, when they find out we homeschool, say something to the effect of, "Oh, I could NEVER do THAT." I want to state clearly, AGAIN, that if I can homeschool, anyone can. I have never been to college. I have an embarrassingly short fuse. And the idea that I can prepare my children, alone, for the daunting expectation of a successful life is as intimidating as preparing them, alone, to get back to God.

Every religious person can see and FEEL that they have not educated their children in faith alone. No matter your religious creed, families enjoy the support of church structure, church teachings, and inspired mentors. And this is precisely how my children are educated temporally. I am not standing in front of them, day after day, hour after hour, singly filling their heads with the facts that will fuel success in their lives. I wouldn't WANT that, I couldn't offer that. I have honed the skill to recognize my weaknesses - like my own troubled times-tables, or my disinterest in anything scientific - and found BETTER, stronger resources to make up for my kids what I lack. I have not become a math expert, or a hobby scientist. Nor do I expect that I SHOULD merely because I want my kids to have joy and proficiency in math or science, anymore than I expect another parent who wants her child to dance to become proficient in the technique of classical ballet. I am the expert dance teacher helping my students become better dancers. And I FIND experts to supplement where my knowledge is inadequate.

Incidentally, that is a LOT. Like MOST of everything they learn, they learn from a better source than me. Still, I think of their learning as home-centered because we, the parents are in charge. Without waiting on school policy or the PTA, we chose the curriculum, chose the instructors, set the pacing and establish the priorities. And much of the instruction does, in fact, take place in our home, or in the homes of their friends. Perhaps I could say their educations are home-centered, expert-supported? I like that. And because I've been practicing this approach in the education of my children, the church's shift to a home focus seems natural and delightful to me.

Now, one worthy question remains: will my children receive the education they need to face the economic realities of their futures? That is an excellent question that I do NOT have the answer to yet. (Check back in about 15 years.) But my hope it will all work out is as sure as my hope that if I diligently do my part, my children CAN find their ways back to God. And that is a lively hope!