MY Screwtape Letter for the Unappreciated Mom

I LOVE the Screwtape Letters by C. S. Lewis. So OF COURSE I clicked on one that popped up on Facebook that said it was for the "unappreciated mom." Generally, I don't feel unappreciated, but we all have our moments, and I hoped to find wisdom for the next time I felt discouraged in my mother-work. Well, I didn't like it AT ALL. Though it had moments of insight, overall, I was more offended by what I read. I don't want to go in to the reasons here. But I found myself wishing there was a better letter - one that would encourage a discouraged mom, instead of adding guilt to her discouragement. So I wrote one myself! Enjoy! (And if you hate mine, maybe you'll like the one which inspired it, so I'll include a link to it at the end.)

Oh, and mine is for the Discouraged Mom. I think I swapped the two because though we can feel both unappreciated and discouraged, I'm not seeking to help moms feel appreciated. Their families, friends, and even society simply need to appreciate moms better. But while that appreciation may take a while, meanwhile, I do wish moms to feel ENCOURAGED now. So I guess MY letter addresses what one might plot to keep a mom from finding encouragement.

My Dear Wormwood,

I congratulate you on helping your patient to feel an obsession with comparison. I call it the ever-present measuring stick. I am writing to point out that though you may think it helpful that she is focused on trivial measurements (things like the number of cute outfits in her closet compared to other moms), even comparisons of a deeper nature (like the well-being of her family to other families) can serve our purpose to lead her to discouragement and despair. The despair over perceived inadequacies of meaning can, and likely will be as debilitating as the despair over frivolities.

In fact, the BEST measurement is the feeling that even her discouragements don’t measure up. She offered to watch the children of a friend whose husband has been diagnosed with cancer while the friend ran errands. You can taint every bit of joy she may feel from that service by suggesting to her, in her moments of exhaustion, that she is far too ungrateful because at least her husband isn’t terminally ill.

These measurements of “righteousness” or “worthiness” are far greater tools of defeat!  Let her concern herself with ALWAYS measuring her own acquisition of our enemies attributes with those around her! Not only will these never feel trivial, but she may begin to believe that discouragement IS sin and weakness failure, making our jobs all the easier! (Has she seen the recent Facebook post that suggests discouragement IS giving in to the evil one? I’ve been pleased with the time your subject spends on social media, and this idea, as well as a host of other measuring sticks to depress souls are easy to find there.)

If her discouragement is a passing thing that will go as her children become more independent, don’t ever let her know of it’s natural easing, nor of the cycles of rest and productivity. Not only may this knowledge comfort her during the discouragement to come, but she is so much more easily manipulated if she has the expectation that she can always be ANYTHING - even happy, or fulfilled, or serving others. Thus both phases, when not seen as part of a cycle, work to our advantage: even the good times can, with your help, set the expectation that selflessness and service need never be followed by rest and quiet moments to herself.

Perhaps keeping natural things like cycles and her real needs from her gets to my point: above all you must keep her distracted from seeing things as they really are. Our enemy, if the humans would ever be quiet enough to hear Him, often asks them to look, and then He fills their minds with light and knowledge - an understanding not only of themselves and those around them in the very moment they really look, but also a vision of how things may really be.

Don’t be so foolish as to congratulate yourself on keeping the real needs of those around her from her attention. Her family and even strangers may feel her love, even as she meets their wishes and whims and misses the bigger picture. This love has a power to fill in the gaps of what she does and the greater good she could have done. Our enemy is skilled at taking the meager offerings of his minions and working miracles with them. And besides, she may come to realize on some level that she can’t fully understand anyone perfectly but herself.

This can become dangerous for you if she ever tries to understand herself perfectly. She may be quite hurried now, but beware of any quiet moment, even a discouraged, overwhelmed, and giving-up moment when she really examines her heart and comes to know how she really is. If she ever stops to acknowledge how overwhelmed she is, she might recognize the expectations we have helped her to have aren’t based in reality, or on her skills, talents, or interests and DO something to change either her expectations OR her circumstances.

She has learned from our enemy to value selfless service. You skillfully turned that into a vague feeling that she should do for her family what they are capable, certainly much of the time, of doing for themselves. If she ever awakens to the realization that she can ask for help, not only have we lost in creating the sense of overwhelm for her, but by doing and serving their mother and wife, her family will grow as well, and that will make our work with all of them all the more difficult.

Though it may be effective to suggest other woman get by just fine without the help she needs, better to keep the idea of even recognizing her own needs as far from her conscious mind as possible. Keep her discouragement, her loneliness, her need to be understood as vague a feeling as possible. You’ve done great work on building resentment, as she doesn’t ask for and so doesn’t receive the assistance she needs. But don’t let her mind even acknowledge that she FEELS resentment. Better to keep that pleasant pit of bitterness in her heart growing unnamed than to have her ever suspect what it is and where it comes from. It’s so much more likely to remain if the pain in her heart only ever causes guilt that she feels pain at all!

Finally, aside from the conscious awareness of her measuring sticks and a perfect knowledge of herself as she really is at the moment, there are a hundred other truths our enemy might reveal to her about herself and the people around her to bring all our progress to ruin. It has been sheer genius that you have caused her to feel she builds her relationship to Him by listening to what others have to say about Him. There is so much other distraction in social media, anything she might come across there will be incredibly diluted. But even her sense that she should study His words can be yet another measuring stick, and if so used, may keep her worrying she hasn’t read her scriptures “enough” instead of noticing she feels overwhelmed with worry and just talking to Him about THAT. Let her feel “spiritual” by reading a few nice thoughts about the enemy here and there, and never really connect to Him with honest, sincere, and open prayer. Given such an opportunity, He is likely to fill her heart with peace about herself, not to mention the clear ideas about how she might help herself grow AND serve the people around her, and then so much of our work on her, as well as on those she influences, will be lost! Continue in diligence!

Your affectionate uncle,

Screwtape

Here's the one that ruffled my feathers: http://www.onepeterfive.com/a-screwtape-letter-for-the-unappreciated-mom/?utm_medium=social&utm_campaign=postplanner&utm_source=facebook.com

Steffanie's Favorite Valentine Cookies

These combine peanut butter and chocolate, two things that like good couples are okay separate, but just SHOULD be together. I love these cookies, and by my standards, they are healthy too. (I haven't bought into fat being bad, and I think sugar in moderated quantities just makes life sweet.) So here you go! We'll call the recipe my valentine to YOU!

CREAM TOGETHER:

2 packages dark chocolate Dove hearts (apx 32 hearts)

(you've seen this recipe before with kisses, but Dove is better chocolate, is heart shaped,

AND dark chocolate has all the anti-oxidant properties for a great excuse to down a few more!)

1/2 c. butter

3/4 c. pure peanut butter 

(again, no preservatives or added anything but a great punch of protein)

1/3 c. sugar

1/3 c. brown sugar

1 egg (go Omega 3 eggs for more reasons to love these cookies)

2 tbsp milk (local milk, anyone?)

1 tsp. vanilla

MIX:

1 1/2 c. flour (whole wheat works but will make the cookies drier and more crumbly)

1 tsp baking powder

1/2 tsp. salt

Add dry to wet ingredients. Form dough into small balls (the smaller the better balance of chocolate to PB) and roll in sugar. Bake on ungreased cookie sheet 8-10 minutes. Put chocolate heart on center of ball and press down slightly immediately when cookies come out of oven. 

Let cool and chocolate melt through and reset. Then ENJOY!

Personality and Learning

I've written elsewhere on this blog about my second child, oldest daughter. Our experience today with cursive - a subject she wanted to work on to have fancy writing - reminded me of her little 10 month old self.

She was a determined mover who developed her own system of getting around - she crawled backwards. It wasn't efficient, and she struggled to get where she wanted. Worse, she would often wedge herself under chairs, side tables, and a couch of ours. Adorable, but understandingly frustrating to her.

So the three big people in her life - her dad, me, and her older brother - did what we could to show her the "correct way." We modeled, we cheered, we inscentivized, and we even moved her body for her. Despite our best efforts, she hardly made any progress. I still remember the first time she did crawl forward on her own. She cried as if it was torture, as if each leg and arm movement caused pain and represented an unwilling surrender.

Interestingly, she hardly used her new-found skill of forward crawling. A few days later she mastered walking. She walked BEFORE she turned one, which beat the record of her older brother who had no problems crawling, but didn't walk 'til around 13 months.

I can't help but smile at her current frustration with cursive, and her insistence that she can just lift her pencil, move it to the spot she needs to finish the letter, and call it good. SHE IS BEING TORTURED, she is sure. Maybe next month she'll write a book. :)

Blessed Bedtime

I love homeschooling because being with family gets to be the natural state of our lives.

I've heard many moms remark that they can't wait for the winter school break to be over so their kids can get back to school. I remember feeling excited to GET back to school as a kid because I was sick of being at home!

So do we homeschoolers ever get sick of our families and being with them ALL THE TIME? Despite the impression a few glowing blog posts may convey, the answer is YES!!! That is why I LOVE bedtime! Many of the homeschoolers I know have comparatively early bedtimes for their kids. I've often felt this is possible because we get all day to do all the things we WANT to do - family time, lessons, playing outside. Whatever it is, we get it done and can then BE done!

But I also think early bedtimes (at least for ME) mean mom is ready to be "off the clock," doing whatever it is she WANTS to do which is NOT meeting a thousand real and perceived needs generated by her handful(s) of children.

I've been asked before, and wondered before homeschooling myself, "don't you ever need a break?" I can honestly now answer YES, and I get it when my kids go to bed. It's yet another GREAT time of day to be a homeschooler! :)

A Simple Christ-Centered Christmas Tradition

I LOVE TRADITIONS! And I love celebrating anything and everything. So, in my enthusiasm to scoop up anything fun and meaningful to incorporate into my family's lives around the holiday, I've picked up some burdensome traditions that had to be abandoned. (PJ's on Christmas Eve is a perfect example. That one just doesn't work for us. Not all of us NEED a new pair of PJ's every year. And if we don't NEED them, PJ's for 6 is so pricey just for the sake of of tradition.)

After a few rounds of such failures, I've learned to be a lot more choosy about what I happily announce will now be a yearly part of our celebrations. I try to steer clear of traditions that are wasteful of both resources and time. If it's not something I can pull off year after year, I may chose to not even give a tradition a shot.

I've learned that both time and money ebb and flow at our house, so I was pleased to begin a tradition this Christmas that is inexpensive, simple, takes little time to pull off AND to prepare, and is Christ-centered.

Like most parents, I've been hunting for ways to put more of Christ into Christmas. At some point, probably while reflecting on my own childhood THRILL at opening presents from Santa, I let go of expecting my kids would find reverence for the Savior on Christmas morning. But allowing children to BE children, as Christ himself exemplified so well, I thought if we put more of Christ into Christmas in all the days leading up to it, letting Santa have a morning wouldn't be terrible. (Honestly, it's pretty magical in it's own way.) And by focusing for the rest of the season on Christ, it would likely leave a better impression and be more meaningful than, for example, forcing the kids to sit still to listen to Luke 2 before gifts can be unwrapped.

So here's the tradition already!

I found a box with a lid I covered with wrapping paper. I wrapped the lid separately so it could just be removed and replaced without having to tear paper. (When I first thought of this tradition I began collecting boxes - mostly shoe boxes - and was hoping to assemble 24. Then I realized I would have to wrap all 24 boxes, and doing so year after year would not only be time consuming, but paper consuming. So I opted for ONE box we opened on the 24 days leading to Christmas.)

Anyway, each night before bed we turned off the rest of the lights and gathered around the Christmas tree. Whose ever turn it was, chose the Christmas song, which we would sing and then chose another family member to open the box. Inside was a picture of Christ. (We used the pictures from the Gospel Art Kit book sold at the LDS distribution centers.) When it was your turn, you chose which picture it would be the night before, and once the box was opened, you shared with the family the "gift" from Jesus Christ the picture represented. (For example, my newly baptized daughter chose a picture of the Savior being baptized, and talked about the gift of baptism. My older son chose a picture of the Last Supper and spoke of the gift of the sacrament.)

Whomever opened the box got to take their turn choosing the picture, song, and present-opener the next night. I encouraged the kids to chose the family member whom they saw exhibiting Christ-like behavior. I don't know that the kids caught on to this aspect of the tradition, but I wanted to encourage kind, patient, gentle behavior. So when a family member was chosen, I encouraged everyone to share how that person had acted like Christ that day.

This was definitely a tradition to repeat. It was simple, took little time, and added meaning to each day leading to Christmas. I especially liked that not only were we discussing Jesus daily, but the kids were sharing THEIR understanding of Him and, in theory, feeling encouraged to be more like Him too. I hope the lasting impression is that Christ IS the gift. His very life and the sacrifice of it blesses us SO much!

Happy Holidays from my family to yours! May the coming year bring sweet moments with your children and precious, quiet moments to feel of Christ's mercy and grace.

It's the MOST Wonderful Yams of the Year

Apologies for two recipe posts right in a row. And happy belated Thanksgiving, BTW! Thanksgiving generally means a few phone calls from in-law sibs, and my own sibs who can't get a hold of my mom, wanting "that yam recipe."

Now YOU are thinking, "Actually my family isn't so into yams or sweet potatoes on Thanksgiving. If we serve them at all, it's out of traditional obligation." Actually, that is how most people felt who request I share this recipe with them. THIS recipe will change your mind and heart about yams. They are the most wonderful yams of the year - so good traditional obligations will melt away and you will hunt for excuses to whip them up and delight your family and friends with their yumminess!

Once again, so this recipe is an easy go-to for my family who never seems to write it down in any place worthy of keeping track of......   ;)

 Sweet Potato Casserole
(I know it's called sweet potato, and that is how my aunt, who first shared the recipe with my mom, makes it. So when SHE comes to Thanksgiving, we have BOTH. My preference, having tried both - though not in a blind taste test, which I love doing BTW - is to make this with yams. I think they are a bit more moist. Anywho....)

Scrub and bake for apx 1.5 hours at 400 3 BIG yams
(Put a sheet of tin foil on the oven rack beneath the rack with the yams on them. As they cook they will release their sugars which harden and blacken and the tin-foil makes for a fast, easy clean-up. You want to bake these 'til they are soft all the way through. When they cool, they will be reduced in size and the skins will easily slip off. I usually do this step a day before I make the casserole, and if I'm not using the oven, I just leave the yams in it 'til I'm ready to make the rest.)

After you have skinned the yams and placed them in a large bowl, blend in with an electric mixer:
1 cube of butter
2/3 c. milk
3 eggs
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 c. white sugar

Spread the yam mixture evenly into a 13x9 pan and then in a smaller bowl mix:

2 c. brown sugar
1 c. flour
1.5 c. walnuts
then cut in:
1.5 cubes of room temperature butter

Crumble this mixture on top of the yams and bake everything in the oven at 350 for 45 minutes, or until the yams are heated through and the topping is melting slightly and getting crusty along the edges. Serve warm.

Perfect Doughnuts for the FIRST SNOW!

I LOVE the first snow of the season! I love homeschooling so I can revel in the magic of it with my kids and/or listen to them whine, "When are we going to get the snow gear out so we can go play?!"

The first snow, and really all good snow storms, feel to me a bit like Christmas. (Is it any wonder I love winter?) There is something magical, unexpected and beautiful in a good snow storm. So this morning as I watched the flakes grow in size and felt my excitement, wishing my kids would hurry and wake up so they wouldn't miss it, I thought how cool it would be if we celebrated the first snow with a tradition.

Because I love to celebrate anything with FOOD, and it WAS breakfast time, naturally I turned to wondering what I could whip up that would be special and symbolically appropriate for the vision outside. The recipe I thought of WAS perfect. Sadly, we lacked an adequate supply of sour cream. But I'm going to share the recipe with you, just in case you'd like to stock-up for a magical snow moment of your own! (If YOU have a tradition at your house to celebrate the first snow, please share it with ME in the comments below.)

Anyway, I came across this recipe when my family studied Israel, so these are called Israeli Doughnuts. Feel free to rename them something more inspiring. And lest you have the same weakness I do with recipes involving yeast, fear not. These take no time to rise and contain none of that fickle leavening agent! Which is why I love them! The joy of doughnuts without the work of traditional bread dough! (Or rolling, or cutting, or flouring any surfaces... at least not on purpose.)

Israeli Doughnuts

1 C. powdered sugar (used after the doughnuts are cooked)
Oil (I use olive b/c we're used to it - used for frying the doughnuts in)

Mix: 2 1/2 C. flour
1 tsp. baking powder
2 Tbs. sugar
1/4 tsp. salt

Then combine: 2 eggs
1 1/2 C. sour cream
1 tsp. vanilla

Stir the wet into the dry until very wet dough forms. Drop dough by tablespoons in hot oil. (If the oil is too hot, the inside of the doughnut will be raw.) Turn doughnuts over so they brown on both sides. Shake hot doughnuts in a bag with apx. 1 C. powdered sugar. OR, if you are celebrating a good snow storm, as I hope to have many opportunities to do this winter, better yet, stick some powdered sugar in a sifter and let your kids take turns snowing on their plate of doughnuts!! YES!!! (Best if eaten warm.) Enjoy!